(Source: lover-of-sadness, via diirtywastedyouth)
i miss reblogging this.
aah me too^
me three^:D
^ me four
me five^^ :’)
(Source: jordana-elise, via indie-paradise)
To my past
Have you ever had a bestfriend that new you more then you new yourself? That new everything there was to know about you. A person who new all your secrets, all your phobias, disorders, anxieties, problems? All your family troubles, who you hated and why, who new about every bad thing that had ever happened in your life and not once ever judged you? Someone you could text from when you woke up to when you went to sleep and never run out of things to say to each other, everyday. Someone you would see every afternoon & all night long, talking about everything that had happened in the last few hours you had been separated. That one person that could tell when something was wrong even tho you wernt with them, or had said anything was troubling you, written a Facebook status or gestured that anything was wrong at all, they just had the instinct that something was bothering you? Someone who when you were at your lowest of lows could just sit next to you and not have to say anything and make you so happy, like you never had anything worrying you. That type of bestfriend who understood the way you talked, even when things came out wrong they understood you like no body else, a bestfriend who understood everything about you. Every little problem, fear and phobia, they understood the way you felt. When you were their first priority and always came first before anyone, a bestfriend you could go out anywhere with and make the most fun out of what you had around you, those long drives to no where were you would just listen to music as loud as it would go and point out all the things you thought were interesting along your journey and even tho nothing could have been said for ages, it didn’t matter because you had each other. That person that you worried about more then anyone and hated when they were upset or not their normal happy self. That type of bestfriend you would give the world to if you had the opportunity, that bestfriend who was just always there, the closest person to you in your life, who loved you and adored you, for you, and everything you did. The same as you loved them and adored everything about them. That bestfriend that if you didn’t speak to for a day your whole life felt off track, like something was missing, as if something just wasn’t right. A bestfriend who you could never live with out and never wanted to imagine life without them, because after everything you had been through they had picked you up and completed you, gave, said and did everything you needed to be back in the right state to get you through. Promised to always be there through everything. That one person who had finally figured you out even tho you thought no body ever could. Putting in your absolute all to make your bestfriend happy and to try and do as much as you could for them. For one day that bestfriend wakes up, and doesn’t want you in their life anymore. Like everything you had gone through to get to where you were never ment anything, just thrown away like a peice of paper going in the bin. No explanations, no excuse, just scrunched up and thrown away. After all the trust you had put into this person, after everything you told them, after everyone walking out of your life and making it look so easy, and your bestfriend promising they would never do that, never Hurt you or leave you, to turn around and break that promise like it was nothing, like it never meant anything, as if you never meant anything to them. & as you sit feeling neglected, alone and isolated thoughts rush to your head, your stomach drops, your shoulders feel heavy and your throat develops that lump as if you just dry swallowed a pill. That feeling of “I have just lost, everything” you sit, and you second guess everything you had ever said and done, feeling so used, confused and annoyed. You don’t know what you have done wrong but you don’t know what you have done right either. Had you ever done anything right? Had that person ever cared about anything to do with you? Had they ever cared at all? Was there signs you didn’t notice, or pick up on? Was there something your bestfriend was trying to gesture those whole time that you never noticed? Now your all alone, there gone, your alone and have no body. You want to talk to the person who always new just what to say and how to make you feel better, but what happens when the person you need to talk to is the person you need to talk about? You spend days on end thinking about everything you wish you could go back and change, shedding tears of confusion, sadness and anger You have no idea what has gone wrong and all you can think is this my fault? What did I do to deserve this? And then finally your thoughts on the situation start to change, it’s their loss not yours, why do you care about someone who just hurt you? It’s in the past now, and you can either run from it or learn from it. So your learn from it, learn to never trust anyone ever again the way you did with them, learn to never tell secrets you don’t want anyone to ever know about, to never tell anyone anything, or how your feeling because even if you think they care or that they will be here for you, in the end they will leave. Always. Every body will always leave. Then through all the hate you have now developed for this “bestfriend” you put aside all the anger and start to miss them, miss everything about them. From their smile and their laugh to the way they smell and dress. You miss this persons company more then anyone else’s, and all the little things they used to do for you turn into the hardest things to do on your own now. You feel like your invisible to everyone around you, like your living a completely different life, almost like your free but you don’t want to be, which makes it so much harder. You miss talking to that person, you miss the way they made you feel, and the impact they had on your life. You miss having that one person you could just tell absaloutly everything to, you miss having someone there that cared about you, and actually wanted to listen to your problems, and listen to what you had to say. You miss them being in your presence because when they wernt when you were bestfriends you worried, worried that when they wernt in your sight that something was going to go wrong, you miss being able to see their face and see where they are and who their with, just to give you that little bit of reassurance that there fine and there still here. And now that there not what do you have left? What do you do? Do you worry about them and wonder if there okay? Do you hate them and hope there having a miserable life? No. You forget about it like they have forgotten about you. Stop wasting your time chasing the part and trying to bring it to your future, this is the present time and you need to do things for yourself, you need to learn not to base your happiness on anyone another then yourself, to revolve your life around you and what’s best for you only, not anybody else. Ever. And as much as you try to never think about them or the situation and everything you wish you could have done to make them stay, you can never go back in time. So you may as well let go and just go forward. You will always love and cherish this bestfriend because at one point in your life they got you through and helped you more then anyone and without them, you would be a completely different person right now,think about it long and hard, you would not be sitting were you are right now, you wouldn’t be in those clothes you would be doing something completely different if you had never met that person. An chances are you would have been a complete wreck, so you can hate what they did to you but you can’t hate them, because without them you would have never of gotten though. You will always miss them, and everything about them. But there’s nothing you can do or say, so missing them is really all that can be done. You will always love them with your whole heart, even tho your heart may be in peices from what they had done to you, you will love them and miss them, always. I’m sorry I couldn’t be the girl you hoped for.
